Letter eight.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

It's been a while since my last letter. What can I say, other than: 'I have been very busy'. Working a full day job, having hobbies that take up more time than a full day's job, family, friends, cats, chores. The list is very long.

But I have also found time to unwind. Last Friday I went out with a friend of mine to a cocktail bar here in Copenhagen called Ruby, which looks exactly like someone's apartment, just with a huge bar in the corner and waiters running around serving drinks. Very cool place. We do this every two months or so, where we go out somewhere fancy, and have expensive drinks, and wear uncomfortable shoes. It's all about looking good, not comfort. We don't have many drinks, usually just two, we do quality rather than quantity on these evenings. We did end up having three drinks this time though, because they were very tasty. My three ones were a Violet Martini, an Apple Smash and a Redrum (the last one I had to have because it is the name of a song on the 'Unicorn' album by Ugress I mentioned in an earlier letter. And yes it was red, and looked very deadly, but there were no clairvoyant little boys). My friend had a Mango & Basil Daiquiri, an Almonds Are Forever and a Real Sweet Pear.

And as women usually do, we had a lot of things to discuss. One thing was 'Burn After Reading', the last Cohen-brothers movie. Damn, it is funny! John Malcovich is brilliant, George Clooney is the biggest asshole ever, Frances McDormand is the most neurotic, obsessed woman ever, and Brad Pitt is just class! I have never seen Brad Pitt in a funnier part, and he does it so well.

Anyway, that wasn't the most interesting discussion we had however. I am not quite sure how we got into talking about it, but we were wondering what kind of a guy we would be had we been born men rather than women. Now that is interesting! Can you take your female/male qualities and 'translate' to the opposite gender? Or would you basically start completely from scratch? My friend has a crush on Richard Gere at the moment, and she could definitely see herself as him. He is good looking, he is a Buddhist, so he meditates and is self aware, he is a humanitarian, and probably generally a very nice, caring person. As for me, we sort of ended on Woody Allen. He has big black glasses, he is artistic, creative, neurotic, and eccentric. But then we remembered the whole Soon-Yi incident, and I would definitely not marry my adoptive daughter. I am quite sure of this, even though I don't know what kind of man I would be if I was a man. I like Mia Farrow, 'Rosemary's Baby' is one of my all time favourite movies. Shame, what a shock it must have been for her! So then we thought maybe I would be more like Jude Law. And that is quite a big jump, I'll admit, from Woody Allen to Jude Law. But he is young, he is talented (I love 'Road to Perdition'), he is a bit of a bad boy, but then not really and he does charity. So maybe I would land somewhere in between Woody Allen and Jude Law. Then I would pick Jude Law's looks, age and 'bad boy'-attitude, and Woody Allen's artistic-ness and eccentricity. I think that would be a pretty cool combination. But then again, I could also just stay me. Being a woman, and being me, is pretty cool after all.

Hope all is well on your end.
All the best until next time.

Letter seven.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

What do you do when you’re mad as hell, and need to let off some steam? Today I was so angry I didn’t know what to do with myself. I woke up angry. I won’t get into boring details of why I was angry, but jump straight to the more interesting part of how I got rid of it.

First I decided to go for a walk to get some air. I took my camera with (I always have my camera with, just in case), and started walking with no particular direction in mind. I just took right, after crossing the bridge over the canal. Fresh air has a strange way of messing with your brain. All the scrambled annoyed thoughts you have cluttered up in there, somehow fall into place, in a nice orderly row, and you can make sense of them. I hadn’t even walked more than 200 meters before I had everything sorted out in my head.
Then when I got home I could start on part two of my anger venting. I have mentioned before that music is very important to me, and that was what part two consisted of. Loud, angry, heavy music.
First a bit of Metallica. Their new album Death Magnetic is brilliant. And if you need to vent, it is perfect for the purpose. Then some Rollins Band. I like his old stuff in particular. Weight is a great album. And my all time favourite is Liar, which I remember they played on MTV, in the days when they played music on MTV… The video for that song is hilarious, particularly towards the end when Henry is wearing a nun costume or outfit or uniform or whatever it is called (What is it called? I need to Google that). Anyway, by now all my anger has disappeared, and I know exactly what I need to do in order to deal with my problems.
So what is the perfect end to the process? Sex and the City – the movie, of course. Yep, from Metallica and Henry Rollins, to Carrie Bradshaw. From loud angry men, to stylish love-confused women. Maybe not the most obvious cure for anger, but hey if it works it works!

Take care. Until next time.

Letter six.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

I saw the new James Bond movie last night. Quantum of Solace. I really liked it. And I don't quite get the criticism that he isn't bond-ish enough (not bondage, I don't think anyone have said it isn't bondage enough, although they could, because there aren't any). Okay fair enough, he doesn't really have any gadgets, except a fancy car in the beginning and a phone with some hi-tech tracking system, and he doesn't have any of his usual dry humour, there wasn't really dialogue enough for him to, and he is quite bitter and gloomy.But that's all okay with me; I thought it was quite refreshing to see a 'different' side of him. I mean who wouldn't be a bit bitter and revengeful when the woman you loved and would give up your career for was betraying you because she thought her real boyfriend was going to get killed if she didn't, and then drowns because of it.
And I thought the girl did a good job too. She was quite tough, and could stand on her own two feet, and look after herself. Which isn't always the case with Bond girls…
I also liked Miss Fields, not because she had an important role at all, but because of that thing that happens towards the end where she becomes Oil Fields (I hope you have seen it, otherwise that won't make mush sense, but it was very funny although I am not sure whether it was intentional or not).
The whole thing with 'The Organization' that Mr. White is a part of was a bit fishy, but I guess they will continue on that story in the next one. My favourite part was at the opera in Austria after Bond has managed to listen in on the conversation and needs to get out of there, and everything goes quiet and slow motion, and cuts between the chase and the opera. I am a sucker for that kind of effects. You know, like the scene in Face Off at the end in the church with the pigeons? Good movie that too.

I guess you could say that for a Bond movie it wasn't very good, but for a straight forward action movie it was great. So yeah maybe some of the criticism is true enough. I hope you have seen it, if not I can recommend it as a good action movie, where you are kept on the edge of your seat and need to remind yourself to breathe every now and then.

Take care. Until next time.

Letter five.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

I have not watched the news, read newspapers or listened to radio the last few days. I can’t handle the suspense… Thank goodness the election is tomorrow so we can have it over and done with. Over here, of course, everything happens during the night, so I am getting up at 5.30 Wednesday morning, I’ll make myself a really nice cup of coffee, switch on the TV and hopefully they will tell me that Obama is the next president of the United States of America. It feels like they have been campaigning forever, which I guess they have, but before the actual campaigning started you had the whole Obama/Hilary thing, which seemed to go on forever too. Well in a few hours time it will all come to an end – a happy end I hope!

And by the way, have you seen this website: http://iftheworldcouldvote.com? It is made by some Icelandic guys, and it is so brilliant! I tell you now – leave it to the Icelandic’s to come up with something as clever as this! (Just don’t trust them with your money…) This is exactly what I was talking about in one of my earlier letters. This show quite clearly who should win tomorrow, and I just hope the Americans will follow the rest of the world on this one. Well except Albania and Macedonia, where McCain is up, and in Lesotho where there is a tie.

Until after the election, take care.

Letter four.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

I love languages. If I am ever lucky enough to stumble across a genie in a bottle and allowed to make one wish, my wish would be to be able to speak every language in the world fluently. I mean, how cool would that be? You could go anywhere on the planet, and be able to talk to anyone you meet. You could learn so much about people and cultures, and avoid so many misunderstandings. I bet I could get a pretty cool job somewhere in the UN or something, solving all the worlds' problems. Not sure I would want to, but the possibility would probably be there.

Anyway, the language I am trying to learn now is Spanish. I love Spain; the food, the relaxed atmosphere, the people, Carlos Ruiz Zafón, Salvador Dalí, and obviously the language. Now, when I say I am trying to learn Spanish, it is not like I am doing a course or anything (yet), but I have a Nintendo DS with a game called My Spanish Coach, which is actually quite good, and I have signed up online for Spanish Word of the Day, by dictionary.com. So I learn grammar and how to build sentences and stuff with my DS, and a vocabulary with Spanish Word of the Day.

Now, I am not sure if you are familiar with dictionary.com and Word of the Day, but it is quite simple; you get a word, the translation of the word and a few sentences where they show you how the word is used. Usually the sentences are quite useful; you can see yourself in a situation where you would need to say that exact thing. I know you have spoken a bit about this in one of your shows, so you probably know what I mean.

So the word yesterday was 'pues', meaning 'well'. One of the sentences was:
¿Así que va a llamar a la policía si no nos vamos? Pues, le aseguro que la policía no nos va a encontrar cuando llegue.
Which translates to:
So you're going to call the police if we don't go, are you? Well, I can tell you, the police won't find us here by the time they arrive.

So picture this; you are in Madrid in a bar, you have just ordered a beer and some tapas, you are totally enjoying the atmosphere and being cool, hanging out with the Madrilenas. Then all of a sudden you fall out with someone, maybe you step on someone's foot, maybe you spill someone's drink, say something bad about their mother or Real Madrid, anything crazy like that, a fight breaks out, and the bouncers rush over to break it up, and tell you they will call the police unless you remove yourself from the premises immediately. And you know what to reply! '¿Así que va a llamar a la policía si no nos vamos? Pues, le aseguro que la policía no nos va a encontrar cuando llegue.'
Pretty useful if you ask me...

Until next time. All the best.

Letter three.

I want to talk to you today about music. I love music. My life would be utterly boring and not worth living, if I didn't have my life soundtrack. If I for some weird reason had to choose between going blind or going deaf, I would definitely choose blind. A lot of people wouldn't, I think. A lot of people would rather choose deaf. But not me. I have heard somewhere that deaf people can 'hear' the music through the beat or the vibrations or something, but that wouldn't be enough for me. I need the real thing, and preferably loud. Unless I wear headphones, then I keep it at a sensible level, because if I didn't I actually would go deaf, which would just be the biggest irony ever. Anyway, the reason for this very bold and enthusiastic statement (the 'I would go blind' one), is a new album I recently purchased. Now, just to make it absolutely clear; I don't benefit financially or artistically in any way from this album, unfortunately!, it is just a bloody brilliant album, and listening to it makes my heart sing, warms my soul and puts a smile on my face.

We are talking about Norwegian electronica (What?!?? – you might say – I thought they only did Death Metal!). I have no idea what kind of music you like, or even if you like music at all (a lot of people have a very indifferent attitude to music, which I just find very strange, but who am I to judge). Anyway, the band is called Ugress (which means weed in Norwegian), and their most recent album is called Unicorn. It is one of those albums that sneak up on you. If you are a fan of music you will know what I mean. The first time you listen to it, you go; yeah, that's okay. The second time you listen to it you go; hey, cool. The third time you listen to it, you go; bloody freaking fucking hell, this is brilliant! And the funniest thing is, Mr. Izzard that one of the songs on this album actually made me think of you… I am talking about The Ultimate Fix, and the lyrics go:

I'm gonna start everyone
With my high heeled kicks
And make your head spin faster
I'm the ultimate fix

Don't know if you agree, but that could be you.And if you get curious now and want to check out this band and this song, you should also check out the other stuff they do. They are quite simply brilliant! And just to mention it again; I don't benefit financially or artistically in any way, I just see it as my duty to save as many souls as I can by introducing them to music worth listening to.

All the best, until next time.

Letter two.

Dear Mr. Izzard,

Some friends had a house warming this weekend. I always worry about gatherings like that, because even though they are your friends and you get along and like each other, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get along with or like all the other friends they have invited. You belong to different crowds, and there are no guarantees of success when you are all put in the same room. It went well though. It was a very pleasant evening. But hey, I can only like anyone who wants to join me in a couple of rounds of Sing Star. You can’t really go wrong with that.

The only problem with going to parties is the late hour in which you get to sleep. I don’t drink much, but I actually might as well get plastered because if I don’t get my eight hours of sleep, I have ruined the next day anyway. I don’t understand people who can sleep four-five hours and be as fresh as a fiddle the next day. I sleep eight hours, and still struggle to get out of bed. It is weird because in one way I am a total a-person that likes to get up early, and make good use of the day and not sleep it away, and at the same time I love sitting up in the evenings, and watch a movie or do some work or whatever. Those two things unfortunately are not very compatible. I should be one of those persons that could do with four hours of sleep. Do you think that is something you can train? That you can teach your body to have the same amount of energy on less sleep? I mean, you can train your stomach to be smaller, it is hard but it is possible. If you start eating less at each meal, just so you are not hungry anymore, your stomach will adjust to that and sort of shrink to fit the new ‘measurement’. Of course, it only takes one meal of over eating to stretch it straight back to the old big shape again, so you need to be very disciplined. Not sure it would work with sleep, and I must admit I am bit afraid of trying. Trust me; you don’t want to be anywhere near me if I am tired or hungry! GRUMPY!

Just heard today that Colin Powell is supporting Obama. I like that! And I also agree with him that Sarah Palin is not a very good candidate for the vice presidency (to say it nicely). Is there anyone on this planet that actually can take that woman seriously? But like a friend of mine said; in one way it would be great if she became the vice president, because you would always have something to talk about, someone to slag off and someone to hate. That’s quite human I guess. It is the same as wanting to watch War of the Worlds a second time just so you can bitch about how crap it is.

Well, I hope you are doing fine Mr. Izzard.
Until next time.

Letter one.

Dear Mr. Izzard,


I was thinking today, about two pen pals I had when I was younger. One was a boy who lived in Korea, and the other was a girl from Japan. I can't quite remember how I got in touch with either of them, but I think it was through one of those teenager magazines I read at the time. And as far as I can remember, I think the reason - at least one of the reasons - for having a pen pal abroad was so you could practice your English. Now I can't quite see why you would get a pen pal from Japan/Korea if you wanted to practice your English, or rather, your Engrish, but hey it seems to have worked. I don't think kids today have pen pals, unless it is through Facebook or something like that. I must ask my niece, she is thirteen she should know.

Anyhow, I was thinking of these two pen pals of mine (and I can't even remember their names anymore, sadly), and I thought it would be so cool to have a pen pal now. And since I can't remember the names of my two previous ones I thought I should find a new one, and I thought it might as well be someone I would probably like getting letters from, someone funny and entertaining. So here we are Mr. Izzard, my first letter to you.

You live in America at the moment right? What about that election hey! Very exciting I think. I haven’t seen the last presidential debate yet, but according to the newspapers over here in Europe Obama ‘won’ over McCain. Now that’s something I like to hear. Hopefully that’s what they will say the 4th of November too. America has such a big influence on the rest of the world, which the current financial crisis is good proof of, so I think it would be fair if everyone could vote in the American election. I mean the rest of the world. Don’t you think? It could be a totally separate thing, and it didn’t even necessarily have to count in the ‘actual’ election, but at least the person who won would know if the rest of the world agreed with the Americans or not. And that could be pretty useful, I would say. I mean, when George Bush comes to Europe and freaks Mrs. Merkel out, by giving her a back rub on open cameras, everybody knows that’s not right. Except Mr. Bush. He is a twat, and everybody knows it, except Mr. Bush himself. But if the Europeans had voted he could look at the numbers and go; hey, what’s up with this?!? He probably wouldn’t loose any sleep over it and put it down to the ignorance of those damn Europeans, what do they know anyway! But it would be statistical proof for those of us with half a brain or more that George Bush is a twat.

Well enough politics for now. I won’t bore you any longer, and will go on with my day. I hope this letter finds you well.

Best regards, until next time.